Emotion Monopoly

One of the hardest parts of co-parenting for me is the relationship.  We both love our kids.  We both love (on some level) each other.  We both drive each other crazy (on many levels).  We both have habits and hang-ups in our lives that need elimination or at least rehabilitation.  All these in between, festering feelings that aren’t so easily summed up but ruminate between us when we are all together as a family is the hard part.  I don’t want to expose any extras (you know, additional human life forms such as children, extended family, alley cats) to our arguments, especially when they get heated and regretful words go flying.

Go directly to jail. Do not pass GO or collect $200.

There were times in the past when we lived together that this was unavoidable.  I also hated getting upset in front of my son when he was young because it seemed to affect him.  Protecting our children from getting hurt is tricky in non-traditional families.  Deciding the best course for the future is like solving a rubix cube.  Defending the same person that makes you cry, while you are crying, is paradoxical.

The Naz Stare

You can’t hide your heart from me, Mom!

Throughout our relationship, as customary for my entire life, I have written both poetry and prose.  When I left over two years ago with my son safely in the car seat of my sea green Altima crammed with our favorite stuff, I had no clue how difficult the road ahead would be.

Pass GO.  Collect $200.

I was so nervous I would cave and go back that I had to put a thousand miles between us.  We took a three-week road trip up the East coast with my brother trying to get my legs (and heart) strong.  During that time I kept practicing writing therapy hoping I would write through the mire and write out THE ANSWER.  You know, the exact right path I  should go in, the one with the spotlight and singing angels.  Apparently my stage hand and angels ran away together.   In a traditional break-up sans children, you can walk away. No questions asked and your collective future erases.

You inherit $100.

With children, you keep seeing that face you don’t even want to pop up in dreams.  Old feelings that would fizzle out over time never get any necessary ingredients (namely time and separation) for fizzling– and in moments of high emotion, which happens often when you are talking about a child you share, attraction and passion rises back to the top.  You either want to fist fight or wrestle naked.

Go back three spaces.

Current Journals- 2012

My NightlyWrite Therapy

Nothing complicates co-parenting like sex. Trust me.  I learned this lesson the hard way.  It’s one of the times when I REALLY needed a co-parenting manual-so I could hit myself over the head with it.  Emotional attachment gets stronger but you both still feel mutually frustrated.  So for days you wonder why not just get back together.  It puts progress in reverse. I read this book called How to Sleep Alone In a King-Sized Bed and the author mentions that the best way to get through separation  (so I infer it would help a co-parenting relationship) is with a boyfriend/girlfriend.  Weeding out the emotion and planting it in an adult-only (i.e. phone call, e-mail, coffee without kids) context helps protect our children.  We both want to move forward. We don’t know how to move forward still tied to the past through each other.  It’s like a potato-sack race gone bad.  I’m still performing my write therapy, hoping to weed through all the garbage and find that shiny fool’s gold disguising the right answer.

 

 

 

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~ by yomawrites on July 20, 2012.

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